James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife: City girl accidentally exposes herself

A camping trip on Farmer Wants A Wife gets more foul than the communal long drop when word spreads about one of the city girl’s secret plan to ditch the cattle station and become Australia’s first FIFO CWA lady.

Well, that’s not entirely true. When it comes to FIFO, she has no desire to ever fly in … just fly out. Realistically, her intentions are to WFH remotely — occasionally putting in a Zoom call to the homestead from her studio apartment in the big smoke, just like the agriculture pioneers of the 1860s intended.

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“This is gorgeous!” one of the girls shrieks as the fleet of LandCruisers rumbles down into a remote patch of abandoned land.

“This is the nicest camping I’ve ever done in my life!” another lady beams. “It’s more like glamping!”

The camera pans to show a dead animal carcass that has begun fossilising in the dried-up river bed.

“I brought the wrong shoes!” Calya whines as she trots her platform boots over the terrain.

Being exposed to the harsh elements on this hellish expedition is a stark reminder of the life that awaits Calya, should Farmer Joe select her as his wife.

“The farm life is totally new to me. I came into this as a career-driven woman with my own life,” the fledgling stylist declares to a random girl from one of the other harems.

“There’s a lot of questions on my mind. I’m a city girl through and through. In the next five years, I don’t see myself living full-time on a farm.”

This bold declaration travels around the campsite and, within minutes, the other women in Farmer Joe’s clan find out. Keely is particularly infuriated. Just last week, Calya accused HER of being nothing but a dishonest city girl with zero interest in living on the farm. Ha! How the tables have turned.

Keely grins. Used correctly, this intel could destroy her nemesis. Perfect revenge! She plans to send Calya back to the big smoke faster than a same-day delivery from The Iconic.

Calya doesn’t realise the danger she’s in. Maybe its arrogance. She’s still stomping around the campsite in her chunky platform boots, telling everyone about how she’s gonna be a FIFO farmer’s wife.

“For me, in the next five years, I don’t see myself living full-time on the farm,” she sighs again.

Keely lunges out from behind a tree trunk that has been rotted by termites.

“You don’t even wanna be here!” she says witheringly.

Calya shrugs. “You don’t know that.”

Keely furrows her brow. “You’ve literally just said that.”

To Calya, the truth is malleable. “I can have my opinion, thank you.”

“I’m over ya outbursts,” Keely snaps. “I’m over the way you see life. I just feel like you don’t wanna be here. I don’t know why you’re causing stuff when you don’t wanna be here. And you’re talking about being honest but there’s been so many times when you haven’t been honest.”

Usually, this show is a wholesome ray of sunshine. But it seems Calya comes from the school of Married At First Sight where she has learnt the invaluable life skill of gaslighting.

“Shut up Keely, you sound so selfish,” Calya brushes off her nemesis.

As taught in Gaslighting 101, a statement like this is guaranteed to push your frustrated opponent to the brink and illicit an explosive response that will, in turn, make them seem completely irrational.

“Whooooa! No, that is enough!” Keely growls. “I’m not dealin’ with that. If I can be completely honest, I’d just prefer to never talk to you again.”

Calya maintains a soft voice and a perplexed facial expression. This ensures clueless onlookers automatically assume she’s the victim.

Calya’s lack of reaction sparks a bigger reaction from Keely.

“She lashed out again!” Keely tries convincing us, before pledging to expose her nemesis to Farmer Joe. “She told me to shut up! I’m done!”

OK, Keely, that’s enough — we’ve had it with the accusations. You’re being crazy and, frankly, extremely rude to Calya. We demand you apologise to her when she next Zooms into the farm from her apartment in the city.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir

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